Great Britain

Our relationship is just like Love Actually except he’s a serial adulterer with four kids, says Carrie Symonds

DOES your family Christmas revolve around making you feel like a freakish loner because you’re not coupled up? Here’s how to really terrify them: 

My restraining order stops me from meeting new people
Rather than admit that you haven’t met the right person yet, tell them you physically can’t meet someone because of unspecified crimes that expressly forbid you from engaging in conversation with strangers, under threat of imprisonment.

I love wild sex in dangerous places with multiple partners too much
Whether this is true or not, it will shut your nosy granny up. Unless she tells you it’s one of her favourite hobbies too, in which case Christmas will be ruined in a different way.

Dominic Raab/Julia Hartley-Brewer is already taken
Horrify your liberal family with your secret passion for right-wing hatemongers. Or if they’re that way inclined, tell them you only have eyes for James O’Brien/Rebecca Long-Bailey. They’ll choke on their mini sausage rolls and change the subject.

Because I want to concentrate on my murders
Nobody believes that you want to focus on your career, so try this. They’ll probably take it as a joke, so make it more believable by putting several rolls of gaffer tape, rope, handcuffs and a shovel on your Christmas list in advance.

Football news:

Gnabry scored the fastest goal in 18 years in the opening match of the Bundesliga
Manchester United have agreed a 5-year contract with Telles. It remains to be agreed with Porto
Sane made his debut for Bayern
Ronaldo posted a photo with the award for the best scorer from IFFHS: Happy to win 🇵 🇹 🇮 🇹 😀 💪 🏼
Godin will terminate his contract with Inter and move to Cagliari (Fabrizio Romano)
Wolverhampton made red and green uniforms to make the 12 Portuguese players at the club feel good. New level of care 🔴 🟢
Jose Mourinho: I have too many players at Tottenham. I don't like it