Great Britain

MPs returning to parliament dangerous but f**k ’em, key workers agree

JACOB Rees-Mogg is back on his bullshit, but what is the professional troll up to today?

Forcing MPs back to the Commons

Rees-Mogg is keen to surround Boris Johnson with braying Tory MPs and likes being a dick. As coronavirus spreads through parliament he will order MPs to only attend in a full suits of armour, purely for the lulz.

Demanding National Margaret Thatcher Day

Divisive PM Margaret ‘Evil’ Thatcher is the queen of Rees-Mogg’s black heart, so demanding a bank holiday in her honour while lefties howl about the Battle of Orgreave Colliery and Pinochet will only make him more powerful. 

Making up words

Rees-Mogg likes to ponce around in the Commons like an 18th-century dictionary compiler, so he will soon just be making up words. Expect ‘The imperitability of the Opposition is globulacious beyond wordificonomy, and I mean that in all frangificariness.’

Anti-EU drivel

The committed Brexiter will demand that all EU member states be removed from British maps, with Germany, France, Italy et al renamed ‘Terra Incognita’ and Switzerland, Monaco and San Marino as islands. 

Victorian values

Another weirdly named child

Rees-Mogg’s children were only conceived so he could give them inflammatory names. Building on the lunacy of Sixtus and Alfred Wulfric, the next child will be Nautilus Caligula Herodotus Agincourt Cerberus Rees-Mogg. Especially if she’s a girl.

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