You can’t blame the Government for not seeing this would happen.
The virus spreads when people mingle with each other.
So who could have guessed that after they ordered us to mingle at work and in schools and pubs, that it would spread again? We can’t expect the Government to be psychic.
For example, there’s surprise it’s spread amongst students, because no one expects them to mingle.
In the past, during Freshers’ Week, students always stayed on their own, often floating out to sea in a canoe, bobbing about near Greenland until they graduate.
And no one could have guessed if you introduce a 10pm curfew for pubs, the drinkers would leave the pub together at 10pm, mingling outside and in taxi queues.
When Boris Johnson was at Eton, all the students would leave on horseback, or in a personal carriage ridden by a valet, so he wasn’t to know.
Thankfully the mingling they insisted on, defined helpfully by Priti Patel as “people coming together”, has now been banned.
But they’ve had more bad luck, because they awarded a £100million track and trace contract to a company called Serco, who have no experience of healthcare tracking or tracing, and they’ve turned out to be useless at tracking, and strangely terrible at tracing.
Boris Johnson always refers to “The NHS Track and Trace system”. But Serco is a private company.
So it’s “NHS track and trace”, in the same way that Kentucky Fried Chicken sells “NHS Chicken Wing Buckets”, or Crazy Dave who sells drugs in the nightclub sells “NHS Skunk and Collapse”.
Serco sub-contracted some of the work, including to companies connected to debt-collecting agencies, which is how to get the job done.
Because one critical skill of track and trace, is sensitively asking for information. And no one is more sensitive than debt collecting agencies.
They’ll ask if you were at Ted’s house on Sunday morning, adding: “And if we don’t like your answer we’ll clamp your car and take your jewellery, you dirtbox.”
They’ve given the work to 20 or so other companies, but won’t say which. This proves what fun they are as it leaves us to guess.
Maybe they’ve passed the job to William Hill. So as well as track and trace, they can offer you 5-2 on Megan who came to your barbecue being positive, with 6-4 on her husband Phil or 4-1 the pair.
The Government could have funded the NHS to conduct the system, but as we know, private companies are more efficient and save money.
This is why we’ve spent millions on apps that don’t work and Serco that doesn’t appear to work so maybe they’ll try astrologers next.
You’ll be asked to drive 300 miles to Starry Stella in Exeter, who will tell you: “With Venus rising, today is a good time to renew old friends, self-isolate and cough violently.”
Boris Johnson promised the track and trace system would be “world-beating”, and he’s been proved right.
Because the Government admits there are 750,000 unanswered requests for tests per day, and that must be a world record.
Now it turns out Serco’s CEO is the brother of Nicholas Soames, ex-Tory minister.
Who could have predicted the company would be linked in any way to the Tory Party? You’d need to be psychic.