Great Britain

Ex-lover got in touch and said I’m the father of her baby – my wife’s distraught

DEAR DEIDRE: I PANICKED when my lover said I was her baby’s dad and blocked her number.

But she pursued me through the Child Maintenance Service and a paternity test confirmed I was the father. Now I’m terrified I’ll lose everything — my wife, children and even my home.


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No issue is too small, too large or too embarrassing. Read our personal replies here.

I felt a connection the first time we met but as I was married, I told myself to stay away.

I am 48 and my wife is 42. We have been married for 18 years and have children aged 15 and 12. We still love each other but sex is rare.

I changed jobs last year and met my lover at work. We had a strong connection right away, sharing the same interests and even the same sense of humour.

She’s 34. Soon we were texting every day. We both admitted having feelings for each other but I told her I wouldn’t stray.

When she started dating someone else, I couldn’t bear it. I caved in and asked her to meet me for a drink. We downed two cocktails each then got a hotel room. That night was the sexiest and the most adventurous of my life.

She was everything my wife is not.

We met regularly over the next couple of months until she suddenly left the company.

She told me she was moving for a more senior role and said it would be better if we cut off contact.

But almost a year later, I got a text from her saying she’d had a baby and I was the father. I didn’t handle the news well.

I told her it was her problem and I didn’t want to know. But after a paternity test confirmed I was the dad, I had no option but to confess everything to my wife.

She is distraught and her trust in me is shattered. I want to put things right — but how?

Get in touch in Deidre

Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

DEIDRE SAYS: There is no excuse for what happened. Maybe your marriage is damaged beyond repair but you have two children at home to think of and owe it to them to give things a try.

Talk again to your wife and ask for her forgiveness. Tell her you lost the plot but want to get your marriage back on track.

You have a better hope of forgiveness if you make no excuses and explain how sorry you are. But also consider why you cheated. Are there problems under the surface? My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.

You can find help through this crisis from Relate (relate.org.uk).

You have a legal obligation to support your baby financially – and the child deserves to have a loving, caring dad.

TODAY'S DEAR DEIDRE My son didn't even come see me on my 60th birthday - it hurt me so much

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