In 2018 four sisters gave me ko just because I helped them bury their mother with dignity prompting me to wonder what reward the kind Samaritan received after helping the sick man in Jesus’ story. Nevertheless; after what I have received, I am forced to think it was a huge reward too.
While as we all know it’s very important to behave well towards our neighbors and community members, lots of us don’t. Some of us think we shall never get help from them. Or when problems come, they will solve themselves. How wrong and dangerous that mindset is.
In a village west of my ka-farm back in Hoima lived an old woman called Abooki – who had nine mature children who didn’t partake in village activities.
When someone dies, they only come to attend the funeral. Yet in Bunyoro and most parts of Uganda, we have to spend nights at the homes of the grieving families. Help prepare food that will be eaten before or after the burial etc. And men dig graves.
Abooki and her nine children never took part in all that and people in the village noticed and secretly planned to pay them back in their own currency.
You see, here in the village even not eating at funerals is a crime. When one doesn’t eat at funerals, villagers take revenge by not eating when that particular person loses a loved one.
Anyways, the opportunity to pay back Abooki’s children fell on the day their neighbour George called me to buy his Kabanja.
As we were busy inspecting the boundaries of the property we heard loud moaning coming from Abooki home.
“She’s died!” George exclaimed. Prompting us to ask who and so George lamented how Abooki had been sick for quite some time now and that most of her children had converged for over a week.
We rushed over and said kind words as culture dictates. Soon the whole village was there. But no one bothered to do any form of work as usually is the case when someone dies.
Personally, I had kwanadi one of Abooki’s daughters called Stella when she was co-habiting with some guy called Maliko in my village.
Stella had reported me to the guy who attacked me with a machete and threatened to chop off my head if I didn’t leave his wife alone. But they had since broken up and the guy had run off to an unknown location. Stella and her three kids from two different men had moved back to her mother’s crib.
“Let’s see how they will bury her themselves.” People started murmuring. Apart from the equivalent of “nga kitalo”Nobody bothered to even ask them what program they had.”Let their big booties and beauty help them bury her.” I overheard one woman curse.
You see, Abooki’s daughters wore body hugging clothes and had appetizing figures which threatened village women who feared the Abookis would chew their husbands.
Some boys privately blamed the Abookis for not giving them ko. “If they gave us ko, we would be doing work to bury our mother – in – law. Let the men in other areas they give ko come and dig the grave.” Only for another one to jump in saying “they’re rich people, they’re going to call a funeral service which will do everything.”
Abooki was a poor woman who lived in an old mud and reeds house. Her children were only grassing; they couldn’t hold a befitting funeral minus the help of the village.
George talked to the chairman and off to close the sale we went. By 6pm when we returned, not even a borne fire had been made. Now as someone who is always on the move, I am partly related to this family.
So I decided to guide them when I pulled the two sons and some of their sisters aside and asked what program they had. Only to tell me how they were still planning and calling their uncles and aunties. “Stop those things of uncles and aunties. Now uncle Bagonza’s phone is off!
“Let’s plan ourselves, “Alice scoffed. Then turned to me and asked for advice which I readily gave. “The most important thing right now is going through the night. So look for food that people will eat at night. Then at night make a budget for the funeral and ask villagers for help.”
But they didn’t have a penny and their only plan was to chop a piece of the deceased’s Kibanja and sell it. That was an opportunity for me, but I didn’t rush to it. Instead, I advised them not to rush into doing that. I volunteered to loan them money to buy food as we waited for amabugo.
Well knowing villagers love eating so much, I sent for sugar for porridge, beans and maize flour and a ten litres Jerry can of waragi plus spices. It also happened, a friend with a sound system and another one with tents and chairs for hire owed me favors so I called them to help.
By 11pm, I had nailed the village defence’s only wife and the elderly person’s granddaughter and had sent Hakim to ask the pastor’s wife if I would see her. Food and waragi were being served in tents. My friend had lent me some religious music played on the big speakers.
Almost half of the village had now been seduced by various factors which included food and my public relations message to spend the night at this lumbe. And people were now wondering where the Abookis had gotten the money for all that. “They must have sold their kibanja to Hyena, don’t you see he is even the Mc…..Hyena doesn’t be where he won’t benefit,” One lad pointed out.
Considering all I had heard all day, I decided to teach this family a lesson, but I couldn’t jab them myself so through a friend, I asked the village hooligans to diss and kulangira Abooki’s children.
The ruffians were given a five litres jerry can of waragi which they galloped before swinging into action. Under the disguise of being drunk, the boys did a good job. People who had come to spend the night would feed them words to say and the goons would shout dissing.”Hyena kobala kakulu…we hope Maliko doesn’t come,” One jabbed me not knowing I was their boss.
When the dust settled, I approached the Abookis and asked them to come and apologize to the villagers which they did.
Now the Abookis who had been impressed by my management skills had found out how I was a notorious womanizer and about Maliko trying to chop me to pieces when their sister Stella reported me.
They dissed her for being short sighted and ordered her to look for me and give me ko as soon as possible or else they would expel her from the family.
Around midnight as I prepared myself to go to sleep, Stella came and was like “eeeh you’re this way…I was looking for you all over.” To which I replied asking if anything was the matter. Only for her to say “come let’s go and I give you ko.”
I was shocked and didn’t believe what I had heard so I said “come again!” Only for her to say “You heard me. Find me at the mango tree by Cosmas’ maize garden.” She answered walking towards the proposed spot.
I had given my last two condoms to a friend several minutes earlier when Mrs. Pastor told me she was under Eva’s curse. Now that was something I regretted. I didn’t trust Stella because she was a slay Queen in her own ways, but this was an opportunity I couldn’t turn down.
To avoid being seen, I took a detour and caught up with her at the agreed location. “This is unbelievable.” I confessed only for Stella to ask why and I was “I thought you hate me.” She replied telling me how we didn’t have much time.
On hearing that, I asked how we were going to do it “as you do it with your wives,” She replied. I wrapped myself around her. Stella’s body felt warm and soft. “Oooh God thank you for finally delivering this belle to me,” I prayed pressing her booty.
“God doesn’t hear those kinds of prayers,” Stella told me. We did some caressing and kissing. Focusing on her worn out boobs and pot-like booties before snaking my hand to the Garden of Eden. Stella spread the legs granting me all the access.
Soon, my middle finger was enjoying itself. The finger made her hiss and groan before she collapsed on the ground. I quickly followed. I dropped my pants and applied akembarara. The woman who had previously accused me of having AIDS and other STDs didn’t utter a word.
As for me, I went live well aware she could have AIDS, but I planned on taking anti AIDS pills afterwards. Upon sinking in, Stella raised herself for a magic mountain which we enjoyed for a while then turned her for a doggie.
Mind you, I had chewed two belles prior so my bullets had frozen. It took me like thirteen minutes of serious focusing to fire. We parted ways and I walked back to the lumbe feeling so very happy.
But before I could get to the person keeping my beddings, I bumped into Stella’s older sister Teopista, commonly called Topi. She thanked me for all I had done for them. “It’s okay…today it’s at your home tomorrow it will be at my place,” I said.
In response, Topi told me how most people wouldn’t do what I had done for them, especially with the way their sister treated me. She then wondered how on God’s green earth Stella chose Maliko over me.”Meme katale munange,” Was my answer.
“Meme katale my foot!” Topi scoffed before telling me that Stella was short sighted and probably possessed by poverty demons.
“There are men who kwana a woman and she must give them right away,” Topi, who works in a bar in Kinubi, told me. “Really?” I asked only for her to stand by her word.
“But Topi, you mean to say if I asked you to give me ko right now, you would?” I asked to which she replied “after all you’ve done for us, I would be heartless not to.”On hearing that I thought like “I may end up chewing two sisters” then I decided to test her. “Okay let’s go and you give me ko.”
That made her laugh, prompting me to say “see!”And Topi was “are you serious?” But before I could answer it she asked where I suggested the very place I had danced with her sister. “Let me organise myself and come,” She said. And so off to wait for Topi, I hurried.
In like ten minutes, I saw a torch signaling asking where I was. I replied by flashing mine as well. Topi caught up with me and was like “Oooh my God! My maama is dead, but I am here committing adultery.” To which I replied “not adultery. We are recreating your maama.” To which Topi replied telling me she doesn’t produce. That her womb was removed.
Without wasting a lot of time, we got down to business. Now Topi has the biggest booty of all the Abookis so I chose a bend over. “You’re not even wearing antivirus. Don’t infect me with our AIDS,” She yapped as she adjusted herself to accommodate the whopper.
“Of AIDS and pregnancy what do you fear the most?” I asked, making Topi laugh. “Men say we fear pregnancies,” Topi hissed. And I was “eeeh as you are very sweet. You’re sweeter than I expected.” Then asked why she never gave me ko before. Only for her to counter ask if I had ever asked her to give me ko and she refused.
Topi’s legs couldn’t withstand the bombardment so she collapsed just like her sister for a doggie which I ruthlessly enjoyed for about seven minutes. To my surprise the bar attendant wasn’t used to my kind of equipment so she spread it for a missionary. Being a guy that was trained to drive in all conditions, I gave her the missionary. We parted.
The following day, we held a decent burial and during the eulogies, the Abookis thanked me from the bottom of their hearts for all the help I had given them.
After the burial, food was served. But instead of being served beans or meat like others, I was served chicken. Alice served me saying it was slaughtered by a Muslim that I didn’t have to worry.
The whole burial had attracted 1.83m of which I had a balance of 300k. All expenses had been cleared. I handed Alice the pack leader the 300k of which they wanted to give me half Mbu for all the troubles I had gone through. But I declined on the grounds that it was money given to their late maama not for me.
“Thank you so very much. You’re an Angel in human form. If something ever befalls your family let us be the first people to know,” they told me.
“We also want you to be our in – law. We’ve tasked Stella to work on it,”Eva said prompting Topi to cough.
I replied declining on grounds of Stella having men that were ready to kill for her.
“We chased those ones a long time ago,”Willy told me. Before Topi jumped in asking if I had even seen those men at the burial.
Without much ado, I excused myself to go attend to some business. And Alice volunteered to give me a push during which she asked if she would see me later on. “I’m not sure,” I said. At that moment in time, I didn’t know Alice’s true motive and couldn’t suspect she too wanted to give me ko like her sisters.
I went home and collapsed on my bed because I was very tired. Then around 8pm I received a call from my cousin Aisha asking where I was, “I am home,” I innocently told her. Only for her to ask me to tell me she had a deal for me.
By deal Aisha means woman so I was wondering what “deal?” To which she replied, handing the phone to Eva. “Hello Mr. Hyena, it’s me, Eva.”Next she told me how her siblings were trying to cheat her of her late maama’s property. She begged to meet me so that I would help her. Not suspecting anything, I suggested she come to my place and give me the full details of the matter.
This was like sending a snake on a mission through grass. In a heartbeat, a boda dropped her off. Eva spent several minutes bubbling how her siblings, especially the sisters were dissing her mbu her husband had not contributed anything to the burial.
“But wama I am not married okay I had two children with the man, but we broke up long ago and since then, I’ve been doing my own thing,” Eva bubbled. I suggested she report them to their uncles and aunties, but Eva was “our uncles and aunties are useless…? they can’t do or say anything to Alice.”
On hearing that, I asked what she wanted me to do. “They said you love women very much.Become my man and defend me.” I couldn’t believe my ears. “They said I love women so much! Who said?” And Eva was “everybody at the funeral was saying so.” Eva told me before going on to say she didn’t care whether I was an adulterous man. “For me, I love you.”
On hearing that, I asked if she was really serious. “What do I have to do to prove my seriousness?” Eva asked and I was “remove the knickers.”My goodness! She pulled it off fast and furious.
Now the caretakers of my ka-farm were in the house watching TV so I couldn’t take Eva in the house so I pulled her into the coffee plantation and chewed her seriously.
After enjoying her, I advised her to report her siblings to the village chairman if they try sharing her maama’s property without giving her. After parting, I thought like “I may end up chewing the whole family.”
The following day, Alice called telling me how her phone had run out of battery before she could call me. She then asked if she would see me that day. “I’m in Bukomero heading to Kampala,” I told her. She replied with disappointed words.
Two weeks later, she called asking if I knew where they kusubuza secondhand clothes. “Owino” being the answer. Next was her asking if I would help take her there and she kusubula.
Three days later, Alice traveled to Kampala. We ended up spending a week in a lodge where I enjoyed her sweetness. As you read this, I exported Eva, Alice and Stella to Kyeyo in Saudi and Qatar.
Things were going well until Topi informed them she was pregnant for me. They’ve stopped sending their kids upkeep through me mbu they won’t be working for Topi’s family.
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