United Kingdom

HENRY DEEDES is wowed by the one-woman triple espresso Jennifer Arcuri

Wowee what a whirlwind! Jennifer Arcuri is back – and not for the first time she’s landed in a thick mushroom cloud of smoke.

You remember crash-bang Jen, don’t you? She’s the Yankee Doodle tech ‘entreprenoo-er’ who claims to have put a boost in Boris’s broadband signal while he was Mayor of London.

One of those sorts who never draws breath. A fast-talkin’, jaw-jabberin’ one-woman triple espresso. Hectic as a screaming tot on a flight to Faliraki.

After yesterday’s performance, if Business Secretary Kwasi Kwarteng could find out what’s firing Jen’s batteries, we’d solve the energy gap in no time.

Ms Arcuri was up before the London Assembly’s oversight committee to answer questions on those City Hall trade missions she went on.

She appeared via Zoom from her home in sunny Californ-i-a, bare-armed, smile sweeter than sugar-frosted apple pie.

Some had accused her of blagging her way on to those taxpayer-funded missions Boris led while they were enjoying their dalliance. 

Arcuri insisted it was the other way round. City Hall were the ones who needed her to show them the ropes. Literally begged her to be involved.

'Ms Arcuri was up before the London Assembly’s oversight committee to answer questions on those City Hall trade missions she went on. She appeared via Zoom from her home in sunny Californ-i-a, bare-armed, smile sweeter than sugar-frosted apple pie'

'You remember crash-bang Jen, don’t you? She’s the Yankee Doodle tech ‘entreprenoo-er’ who claims to have put a boost in Boris’s broadband signal while he was Mayor of London'

She bought a flat in Shoreditch, which became the go-to party destination for London’s tech community after chucking-out time. 

We heard how she organised ‘high-calibre’ events attended by tout le monde.

High-profile names plopped from Jen’s mouth like quarters from a Vegas slot machine. David Cameron. Arianna Huffington. And, yes, (eye roll) Boris Johnson. 

‘You can see these events on YouTube,’ she assured the assembly, with the flick of the hair.

Goodness that mouth could motor. At one point the connection froze, leaving us staring down Jen’s throat at her epiglottis.

Members of the committee were most impressed by their pneumatic guest’s racy lifestyle. Most of them didn’t get out much, by the sounds of it.

‘I never get invited to parties,’ moaned Peter Fortune (Con). ‘Oh shame… mine were very successful,’ said Jen. ‘They’re still up on YouTube.’

Committee chairman Caroline Pidgeon (Lib Dem) tiptoed towards her relations with Boris. She wondered if anyone in his office had known about their tryst.

Poor Ms Pidgeon looked like she wanted to wash her own mouth out with Swarfega for asking such a delicate question.

Jen paused. Deep breath. Another flick of the hair. Well, she said, it was no secret around City Hall that the Mayor had ‘something of a crush’ on her. 

‘I meeee-an, they could see a dramatic difference in this man when I entered the room.’

Jen was a hustler. That’s what the committee had to understand. She was well aware people at City Hall found her annoying because she was persistent.

 ‘I don’t take no for an answer,’ she insisted. Susan Hall (Con) leant forward admiringly. ‘There’s nothing wrong with being an aggressive person to get your own way,’ she fawned.

Soon, Jen was back talking about her racy heyday hustlin’ investors. Sometimes she’d go to as many as 47 parties a week. 

Then it’d be on to the pub with colleagues and then back to her place ‘for a go on the pole’. Ah, the famous dancing pole chez Arcuri.

Didn’t she insinuate Boris once had a go on it? Ms Hall’s matronly eyes widened. ‘I’m green with envy!’ she trilled. ‘Pubs – a pole!’

'Soon, Jen was back talking about her racy heyday hustlin’ investors. Sometimes she’d go to as many as 47 parties a week. Then it’d be on to the pub with colleagues and then back to her place ‘for a go on the pole’. Ah, the famous dancing pole chez Arcuri'

By now, we were all but mere observers to the Arcuri show. The committee had certainly tired of grilling her about those boring trade missions.

She was giving them far better juice. Arcuri told them a story about how she’d gone on a trip to Tel Aviv with Boris and told him off for logging into the public wi-fi.

‘I made sure I gave him a mouthful,’ said Jen. Oo-er.

Time to go. Pidgeon looked sad. Poor woman hadn’t had so much fun in yonks. 

She thanked Arcuri for her ‘energy and enthusiasm’. And with that, zoik! Exit Jen.

What an operator.

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