Great Britain

Woman spends 50 quid on candle that smells of fig, pomegranate and stupidity

IT’S the season of goodwill – unless you’re a Daily Mail reader. Here’s how to make sure your Christmas is full of spite, resentment and fear of immigrants.

Make gingerbread immigrants

Bake a big tray of non-indigenous gingerbread men – maybe put the letter ‘F’ for ‘foreigners’ on them with currants. As you eat them the number of ‘immigrants’ will go down pleasingly until there are none left.

Get angry about Meghan Markle

Enjoy furiously imagining this gold-digging shrew mooching off OUR royal family. Luckily the Mail will be on hand to fuel your imagination with dubious stories about how Meghan ate all the turkey at Sandringham and poor old Kate had to make do with just sprouts.

Adapt your Trivial Pursuit set

Using Tipp-Ex and a biro, change the cards to Daily Mail themes. Fun new questions might include: ‘Can having a shower give you cancer?’ and ‘How many foreign criminals are currently living it up in Britain’s cushy prisons?’.

Have a very Christian Christmas

Even though you’re not a Christian in any meaningful sense, get a nativity set and make all the family say prayers. This will allow you to replicate the Mail’s nasty passive-aggressive ploy of pretending Britain is strongly Christian as a way of moaning about Muslims.

Have a toast to Brexit

Raise a glass to Brexit during Christmas dinner. If anyone, particularly younger relatives, refuses to join in, drag the traitors into the back garden and hang them from a tree.