Great Britain

Wife in race against time to locate and destroy guitar

DO YOU have COVID-19? Take the official government multiple-choice test and find out: 

Do you have COVID-19? 

A) Yes
B) Don’t think so

Are you sure? 

A) Yes
B) No, not completely

Don’t waste time, there’s a pandemic on. You need to be completely confident in your answer. 

A) I have all the symptoms and I have COVID-19. Please help me
B) Is there some kind of medical test I could do? I am an NHS frontline worker. I could be transmitting this to patients

Are you a member of the cabinet? 

A) No. I’ve self-isolated as much as I can, but I have a family. Can they be tested?
B) No, and nor have I had any contact with Boris Johnson in the last 14 days. I’ve heard Germany has a test with swabs? Can I do that?

Are you a member of the Royal Family? 

A) No. Do you need a list of everywhere I’ve been in the last 14 days? That’s what they’re doing in South Korea, and it’s really flattened the curve
B) No I’m not. I don’t even like the Royal Family

Are you a Premier League footballer, Premier League football manager, or Idris Elba? 

A) No
B) If I said I was, would I be able have a proper test?


Mostly As: Congratulations! You might or might not have COVID-19. Please behave accordingly.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! You probably don’t have COVID-19. If you start to feel symptoms, please take this test again.

Football news:

Lorenzo Pellegrini-Totti's heir and the new king of assists. It revives the role of playmaker under the striker
5 players and 2 coaches of Barca got sick with coronavirus. There were no symptoms (RAC1)
Liverpool can allow Brewster and Wilson to remain on loan at Swansea and Bournemouth until the end of the season
Everton can offer 30 million euros for Allan
Arsenal offered Aubameyang a contract until 2023, the salary is the same – 12 million euros
Inter demands 90 million euros and a player for Lautaro. Barca's latest offer: 60 million plus Vidal and Semedu
Southampton have agreed a new 4-year contract with coach Hasenhüttl