Great Britain

‘What’s she been in?’ man asks for the duration of whole f**king film

HELLO, it’s Priti Patel. When I’m not threatening asylum seekers and eroding human rights, I like to have guests over just as much as the next person. Here’s how to do it.

Australian-style invitation policy

When deciding who to invite to your gathering, I like to rate them according to whether they have useful skills for the UK. Ballerina? That’s a zero. Plumber? 2/10 for effort. Hedge fund manager who’s donated thousands to the Tory party? Let me get you some vol-au-vents!

Fantastic nibbles 

While I was in Israel I had lots of meetings with delectable bites of falafel, babka and chicken albondigas. I’d serve these but it brings back unhappy memories of having to resign because of my own stupidity, so my guests will be getting crudites and Tesco taramasalata.

Heterosexuals couples only

In keeping with my votes against gay marriage, I prefer to keep gatherings a hetero affair. I’ve got nothing against gay people, I just think straight, middle-aged, married couples are so much more fun. You can listen to classic 80s hits by Phil Collins and talk about Formula 1 all evening.

Patriotic food 

When I was growing up I learned many delicious, traditional Indian recipes, but these days I find it’s better to appeal to the Brexiters and people who aren’t fond of multiculturalism. So keep the food stodgily British – ham sandwiches, oxtail soup and a £2 prawn ring from Iceland. 

‘Deport’ hangers-on

If you’re struggling to get your guests to leave at the end of the evening, have them removed by border control officers. Being bundled into the back of a van sends out a firm message to other guests thinking of coming to your house and will ensure you’re in bed by 11.30.

Football news:

Real started with Alaves: stupid hand Nacho and wild pass Courtois-again defeat
20 shells of times of the Second world war found on the basis of the Roma
Zidane Ob 1:2 with Alaves: the Start of the match is the worst for Real Madrid in the season. We lack stability
A clear penalty! Oh, my God. Ramos and Carvajal on the fall of Hazard in the match with Alaves
Ex-referee Andujar Oliver: Marcelo was pulled by the hair, it was necessary to put an 11-meter shot. There was no penalty on Hazard
Favre Pro 1:2 with Cologne: They were sitting in defence and Borussia were in too much of a hurry. There were few chances
Real Madrid conceded after a mistake by Courtois on a pass. Forward Alaves scored in an empty net