Great Britain

UK running out of ways to f**k this up

NOW that we’re allowed to meet in groups of six, you’re probably wondering – what can I do with exactly five other people? Here are some excellent suggestions.

Three-a-side football

With two people in goal, each team will only have one player to pass to, so it will be quite boring. Also it won’t exactly be difficult to know which player to mark. But, as with much amateur football, you might win thanks to the other team being unbelievably shit.

A small orgy

Has two advantages over a big orgy: there’s less cleaning up to do afterwards, if you catch our drift, and a smaller orgy is less intimidating, reducing the risk of your penis not working due to nerves.

Cold Feet roleplay

Everyone loved Cold Feet, so each choose a character and act out your favourite scenes. Just don’t pick Karen, though, because it was just really depressing when she became an alcoholic.

Pretend you’re at a tragic leaving do

Remember when the socially dysfunctional IT guy left your company and no one cared? Recreate a poorly attended leaving do by making awkward smalltalk and three of you leaving early to get pissed somewhere more fun.

Dungeons & Dragons

You’ve got an ideal number for a D&D campaign with one of you as dungeon master. However if you are going to pretend to be Argolas, a 3rd-level Elven warrior-mage, don’t invite anyone you want to sleep with.

Form an Enid Blyton child detective gang

Enid Blyton invented the Famous Five and the Secret Seven, so there’s no reason you can’t be the Smashing Six. Take care when investigating smugglers, though. The modern ones tend be more into gangland heroin and cocaine deals and will blow your f**king head off.

Football news:

Atalanta does not lose 15 matches in a row – 13 wins and 2 draws
Lorient threw one newcomer off a plane and sent another under the water-all for the sake of presentations on social networks
Pasalic scored a hat-trick in the match against Brescia. Atalanta smashes the opponent 6:1
Rummenigge on Ribery: Hennessy was like a second father to him, and I was like a second mother
Giroud has scored 6 goals in his last 10 Premier League games – the same number as in 51 games before
Liverpool leads its graduates through life. You'll Never Walk Alone in action
Ararat-Armenia won the Armenian championship for the second season in a row