Great Britain

The more essential your work the less you get paid, them’s the rules, says capitalism

EVERYONE is struggling under lockdown, and everyone’s got tips to help. But have you tried downing a bottle of brandy while drawing tattoos on your own arms? 

Get a glass

It’s important to maintain standards during these turbulent times, so get a glass to drink the first half of the bottle from. Ideally a clean one but alcohol is a sanitiser so it’s not strictly necessary, if you’re already at that stage.

Get a biro

Find one now because it’ll be a lot harder to find one when you’re halfway through the bottle. Choose either blue, for that nostalgic sailors’ tattoo effect, or honest Shoreditch hipster black.

Start drinking

Usually it might take a few sips to make the taste and the burning go away, but given the current situation it’s probably better to take a man-sized swig then wait until your eyes stop watering.

Sketch a couple of ideas on paper

Put down a few of your tattoo idea on paper to see how childish they are. What ink do you want to wear this evening? A classic jizzing cock, or something more sophisticated like Garfield smoking a spliff? The choice is all yours.

Finish the brandy

Before putting pen to forearm make sure you’ve finished the entire bottle of brandy. Your throat will be burning, your head spinning, and the whole pandemic situation completely gone from your mind.

Get to work

What have you chosen? A protestation of love for an ex-partner you only ever remember when this drunk, because they gave fantastic head? Brexit MP Mark Francois with a speech bubble saying ‘IM A TWAT’? The lyrics to It’s My Life by Bon Jovi? It doesn’t matter, you won’t even remember tomorrow.

Football news:

Crouch, Ronaldo, Ramos and bale were included in the symbolic van der Vaart team
In Serie A, the rule of 5 substitutions per match was approved
Agent: in 2018, Lautaro could have moved to Roma for 8 million euros, but they refused
Shevchenko will extend his contract with the Ukrainian national team for 2.5 years
Flick about Havertz in Bayern: Few people will not want to see him in their team
Liverpool were evaluated by Werner above Sancho and Caverta. Klopp personally informed the player about the disruption of the transfer (the Athletic)
This is ridiculous. Sancho reacted to the haircut penalty and then deleted the tweet