Great Britain
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Six incredible special effects you wouldn’t even look up from your phone for today

By Roy Hobbs

CHRISTMAS – remember that? But now it keeps getting cancelled by the woke brigade. Makes you choke on your turkey, except you’re not allowed that unless it’s halal.

Nativities cancelled so as not to offend minorities

What’s their problem? Just because Jesus happened to be a white Christian, we’re supposed to apologise? I suppose next they’ll be banning Lego because the Taliban think it’s blasphemous.

Health and safety regulations I’ve just made up

It’s probably illegal to go sledging in case you crash into someone in a wheelchair. And sorry, kids, no presents this year. Parking reindeer on a roof is a breach of local government ordinance 116, paragraph D, subsection vii. Yes, that’s a tired old joke but I’m still f**king furious about it.

Multi-faith decorations

You’ll have to have Satan on top of your tree to pander to Devil-worshippers. Unbelievable.

Calling it Winterval or somesuch

This is compulsory everywhere now. What next? Calling it ‘Transsexual Hare Krishna Vegan Work-free Non-judgemental Time Period’? That doesn’t even make sense.

Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’ replaced with verses from the Koran

Out go traditional Christian lyrics about granny rock and rollin’ with the rest, in with ridiculous Islamic ideas about virgins and the Angel Gabriel.

White Christmas to be replaced by colour-neutral Christmas

The snowflakes – by which I mean the local Labour council, not proper snowflakes – will spray the snow a different colour in case it’s too white. And Bing Crosby would turn in his grave if he knew the radio will change it to ‘I’m dreaming of a pale orange Christmas’. 

Corner shops to stay open on Christmas Day

While traditional British supermarkets like Asda close for a matter of hours, you can bet corner shops won’t. Okay, last year when we ran out of Paxo, it was a godsend Mr Aziz being open. And the mustard too. And batteries. But it’s still sickening double standards.