Great Britain

Six films and TV shows where you totally fell for the hype

2nd August 2021

DO you keep watching things because gushing critics recommend them? Then you were probably disappointed by these:

Killing Eve

Perfect if you want a weirdly unrealistic, middle-class spy drama. It appears a lot of people did, or perhaps they just fancied Jodie Comer in her jim jams. Maybe Phoebe Waller-Bridge could improve Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy with some mildly amusing lines about childcare?

Rogue One

Hailed as a grittier, war film version of the Star Wars franchise, what weary critics probably meant was ‘not as shit as the other new ones’. Everyone dies in order to not f**k up the story continuity, and don’t forget to have nightmares about CGI Carrie Fisher.

Bodyguard

A hard-edged, contemporary drama about Islamic fundamentalist terrorism. For the first 30 minutes. Then it dissolves into a mush of stereotypical police thriller stuff fronted by a monosyllabic Scotsman. However if you only tuned in to watch Keeley Hawes wanking you have no one to blame but yourself.

Hereditary

Incredibly well-received, artsy horror movie with the slight drawback that bugger all interesting happens, except a child getting decapitated by a telegraph pole. When that’s the highlight you’ll feel a bit weird discussing it in the pub.

Stranger Things

Basically about some kids and a monster, but heavily referencing 80s culture, in particular Steven Spielberg. Not dreadful, but like making a film about a giant shark menacing a policeman, a marine biologist and a salty old seadog and calling it ‘a fresh new take on Jaws‘.

Fleabag

A notable second entry for Ms Waller-Bridge. In the Fleabag universe every character is a hateful, annoying, middle-class twat, which might explain why the Guardian loved it so much.

2nd August 2021

DOES your boss like to ask ridiculous questions during your catch-ups? Here’s how to answer their tedious, pointless queries:

How much revenue will this idea make in five years?

This one is easy: just get out your trusty crystal ball and divine an answer from the ether. Failing that, pick a large number at random and make a mental note to leave the company just before the five years are up.

How is your wellbeing?

Your boss has clearly just been on a course about empathetic leadership styles, but, coming from an habitual sociopath, this question is just plain sinister. Ask the question back to them, and then copy whatever they say. The workplace is no place for reflection or honesty.

Do you like the new process?

The process reeks like Satan’s toenail clippings but you can’t say that because it was the boss’s idea. Instead, wax lyrical and ignore the shrivelling feeling of your soul dying as your one precious life slips through your fingers.

Did you sort things out with Lisa?

If by ‘sort things out’ they mean had a frosty and combative Zoom call where Lisa repeatedly said, ‘that’s not my problem’ whilst obviously flicking through a magazine on her lap, then… yes.

Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?

The genuine options of ‘far away from here’ or ‘dead from burnout’ are both off-limits, obliging you to bullshit rapidly about ‘building on your current skills’ and ‘taking on more responsibility’. Both of which, if you are made to carry them out, will make life much worse.

Can we get this done by Thursday?

By ‘we’, your boss means ‘you.’ Clearly this is not really a question, but an order. Moreover, the request will consume enough time to ensure you are too exhausted and broken to do anything else, like go on LinkedIn and look for a better job.

Football news:

Jimmy Greaves died. The best scorer of the English championship was 81 years old
Barcelona wants to sign Holand, Pogba and Olmo next summer
Sulscher on Sancho: We see him as a top striker for Manchester United for the next 10-15 years. He will progress
Leonardo denied that Messi receives 30 million euros a year at PSG: The data is extremely far from reality
Italiano after the 3rd victory in a row: Fiorentina should continue in the same spirit
Forlan is dismissed from the club of the 2nd league of Uruguay. He worked as a coach for 12 rounds
Inzaghi about 6:1 with Bologna: A quick goal made it easier for Inter