Great Britain

Six email phrases to bring all work to a grinding halt

ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend? Find out: 

Should we be extending furlough until September?

If we’re to avoid spiralling into recession, what choice do we have? It’s that or risk a fourth wave of infection. If, however, your first thought is ‘Lazy scum getting another six months of daytime wanking on my taxes’ you are likely to be some kind of arsehole.

Will my shopping cost more?

There are expected to be price rises on basic items like pasta, which will mean households paying more for food. If you think a price rise for pasta is well deserved because Italians are cowards with four reverse gears on their WW2 tanks you are, sadly, a hopeless dick.

What about corporation tax? 

Corporate tax law is so boring it would make a stone weep blood, but it’s suddenly become fascinating if you’re a right-wing f**khead. Companies must not have to pay more tax because you adore the rich and secretly believe yourself to be one of them, yes?

How about beer, wine and cigarettes? 

The usual bellwether of budgets. If you give a shit about 2p more on a pint of Strongbow you must be drinking an incredible amount on very slim margins. Either drink less or get a f**king life, you twat.

Surely they can’t raise duty on f**king petrol? 

No individual member of the public has ever totted up their petrol consumption and decided: ‘I’m £14.65 out of pocket this quarter’. It’s a metric obsessively studied by wankers convinced that the government is taking away from their masculinity by forcing them to drive more economical cars.

Could there be a parcel tax? 

Brits now live on Amazon deliveries so this could easily get out of hand. As parliament is burning and Rishi Sunak’s severed head is being carried on a pike throughout cities, the issue of your twatdom may be moot.

Football news:

Barcelona offered Messi a contract with a salary less than now. It will grow when the crisis passes (RAC1)
Meet the chief of Leipzig: he was involved in athletics, worked at Puma and was an agent of Rangnik
Solskjaer on the Champions League semi-finalists: When you see how well Manchester United played against them, you know that we are not a million miles behind
Foden stopped working with the company that tweeted about Mbappe. The firm said that all posts are coordinated with clients
Pogba on Jose's words about Solskjaer: He lost the match and wanted to talk not about the game, but about someone's dad. Very Mourinho-like
Herta went into quarantine with the whole team. Matches against Mainz, Freiburg and Schalke postponed
Benzema and Real Madrid are close to extending their contract until 2023