Great Britain

‘Shut the f**k up’ mutters MP listening to elderly voter

TODAY Boris Johnson will pass his Brexit bill, not that you’re paying any attention. What else will he try and slip past while you’re distracted? 

The Better Transportation act

Nothing to do with buses or trains, this update to the Transportation Act of 1717 will allow Britain to start shipping convicts to Australia again for crimes as diverse as sheep-stealing, persistent benefit claiming or suspicion of socialist sympathies. 

The Neighbourhood Improvement act

Allows the owners of the most expensive houses in an area to decide which residents they would like to evict and permanently ban. Gentrifies, raises property values, and makes safe Tory seats even safer. 

The Transatlantic Accord act

Any British laws which are not in accord with US laws, for example on gun control or taxation, will be phased out. Disagreement is officially unpatriotic and will be punished with on-the-spot fines. 

The Nose Tax act

Everyone has a nose, so what could be fairer than a tax on all noses? It’s not disproportionately hurting the poor or anything. And if you don’t pay it you lose your nose. You can’t say you weren’t warned.

The Responsible Parenting act

Establishes clear responsibilities for married parents toward their children, while quietly removing all responsibilities for unmarried fathers. Illegitimate offspring will be barred from any inheritance and not allowed to admit they exist. 

The Celtic Reassignment act

Grants referendums to Scotland and Northern Ireland, but with every vote for independence counting for three times more than a vote against. Will get rid of troublesome bits of the UK and ensure a permanent Tory majority until the end of time. 

Football news:

Pep about 3:1 with Wolverhampton: Sometimes Manchester City enter the season quickly, sometimes they don't. We played well
Kevin de Bruyne: Wolverhampton have caused Manchester City problems before. I am glad that we played well
Stefano Pioli: Milan are confident, can grit their teeth and fight. Zlatan proves that he is a champion
Ibrahimovic on the Bologna double: If I was 20 years younger, I would have scored a couple more. But I'm not old
Cavani's entourage and Atletico discussed a two-year contract at a hotel meeting
Abramovich is suspected of secretly investing in players of other clubs
Ibrahimovic has scored 23 consecutive seasons at club level