Great Britain

Scottish independence to be decided by tonight’s football result

BIASED? Dour? Permanently irate? When Keane and Carragher hang up their mics, we’ll need those qualities. But which current players will be the pundits of the future? 

James Milner

Don’t let his reputation for being soul-numbingly boring fool you. James is keeping his fire damp to erupt into match analysis as a nakedly Liverpool-boosting voice of reason. No matter he’s from Leeds and has played for half the Premier League, not now he’s got YNWA tattooed on his neck.

Harry Kane

Kane marks his territory by headbutting Alan Shearer on day one. He then sits silently for the rest of the broadcast – kitted out in black turtle neck, gold chain and signet ring – with the quiet menace of an East End gangster, occasionally threatening to have Daniel Levy ‘done’ if Spurs don’t win the league this season.

Marcus Rashford

Exhausted from a career as elite footballer and moral compass, Marcus uses retirement to cut loose. No matter what the match, he says ‘Yeah, but could they do it on a wet night in Stoke while also spearheading a grass roots campaign to end child food poverty?’ Unanswerable.

Jamie Vardy

Arsey Leicester striker Jamie ‘chat shit, get banged’ Vardy could soon be bringing the non-league chip on his shoulder to the BBC. And with his wife appearing in reality shows and glittering high-profile celebrity court cases, they’ll continue to be a sad, quiet echo of Posh and Becks.

Sergio Ramos

Real Madrid’s ever-furious captain, delighted that Lineker can’t send him off, will bring his bulging neck veins and pumped physique to scream with incandescent rage about pro-Barcelona bias during FA Cup games between Everton and Lincoln City.

Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo

Joining together like a morose Latin Saint and Greavsie, the pair will focus withering contempt on every single player in the world for not being as good as them. ‘Shit pass, shit goal’ Messi will say, as the World Cup is won. ‘I scored better with my cock,’ Ronaldo will mutter. As it continues, they drink.

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