Great Britain

Put ‘none of the above’ on polling cards and Britain will become Belgium

THE Green Party has announced that if it wins the election — don’t worry, it won’t — Britain will become carbon neutral in the next ten years.

One of its leaders went on the television this week to explain through a cheery smile that this could be achieved for just £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

When questioned about how she’d get everyone to start buying electric cars, she said she would remove the need for people to travel by building libraries near to where they live.

Libraries? I rewound the tape — and yup, that’s what she’d said. So the Green Party is going to build, heat and light hundreds of thousands of new public buildings nobody has needed since we got the internet.

It didn’t sound very green to me. Nor sensible. But there was no time to dwell, because she was busy explaining that nothing is being done to help cyclists.

Nothing? Is she forgetting, perhaps, the 16,000-mile National Cycle Network? And what about the £169million spent every year on bicycle routes in London alone?

Realising the Green woman was just saying stuff that came into her head, like a noisy and annoying infant, I turned her off and started watching an old man who hadn’t put his spectacles on properly. He was called Jeremy Corbyn, and one of the things he wants to do is nationalise everything, including broadband.

Even if this were possible — and it isn’t — can you even begin to imagine how long it would take to watch a porn clip if the Government was providing the infrastructure? You’d get one pixel every 16 months.

He also wants to tax people who work and give the money to those who don’t.

And he wants to get rid of all our submarines.

I wondered if perhaps he’d seen the new series of The Crown. Because that shows quite clearly what happens when you expose Britain to socialism. The wheels come off. And we have to send Helena Bonham Carter to America to borrow some money for the meter.

Then you get dead bodies in the streets, rats the size of Volkswagens, a terrible lung disease and eventually you die in the dark because the government-run power company has come over all Chernobyl.

Socialism never works. Never has. Never will. It’s ruined millions of lives across the globe and this Corbyn man wants to reintroduce it here.

I dunno. Maybe he’s been stuck in a hole since the Seventies and doesn’t know any of this. Or maybe he really is as thick as his brother claims.

But whatever, anyone clever enough to find the polling station and operate a pencil isn’t going to vote for him. It’s just inconceivable.

And Nigel Farage. Ooh, he’s good. Really good. I vehemently disagree with everything he says but when he says it, I nod my head in agreement at every little thing. This means I have to put my fingers in my ears and hum loudly when he’s on.


That leaves us with some other no-hopers: A four-year-old from the Lib Dems and Bouncing Boris, whose contribution to the debate was, “Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit, Brexit” and “Brexit”.

I like Boris as a person but in that debate he sounded like he was buffering because Corbyn had nationalised the wifi signal already.

Which begs a question. In multiple-choice exams, there is always a space at the end which says: “(E) None of the above.”

So why can’t we have that on our polling cards? A chance to vote for no one at all?

Mad? Not really. A few years ago, Belgium went for 15 months without a government and in that time its economy grew faster than those in the UK, Germany, Italy, France, Spain, the Netherlands, Finland and Switzerland.

So, do we need any leaders? Or can we manage perfectly well on our own?

'Sir Lew' must chip in too

AFTER Lewis Hamilton secured his sixth Formula One World Championship, many fans called for their hero to be given a knighthood.

It’s true this is a staggering achievement and Lewis has been a good ambassador for Britain.

However, for years he has been a tax exile in Monaco.

There was a time when tax exiles WERE knighted – Mick Jagger and Sean Connery spring to mind – but today, the honours committee are adamant: If you don’t pay up, on time and in full, you will never make the grade.

And rightly so.

Tooth be told it's fine

I VISITED Reunion island in the Indian Ocean a couple of weeks ago and here’s how the conversation went with the man running the beachside dive shop.

Me: “Please can I borrow a snorkel and a face mask?”

Him: “Oui.”

Weirdly, he never mentioned the poor man from Scotland who the day before, on that very beach, had been eaten by a shark.

Nor did he tell me that nearly HALF of all the world’s fatal shark attacks happen in the waters off Reunion.

But then I’m no better, because when Richard Hammond appeared on the beach later and asked how the snorkelling had been, I replied saying: “Pretty good, actually. You should give it a whirl.”

Rover on, man!

A RANGE Rover driver was widely mocked on social media this week for arrogantly ignoring signs telling him not to cross the ford ahead.

And then having to reverse when he realised the flood waters were too deep.

I mocked him as well . . . for being pathetic.

The water barely got halfway up the wheels, for God’s sake.

When it’s halfway up the WINDSCREEN you need to have a think.

But until then, in one of those things, you can keep right on going.

It’s a Range Rover. Not a Sinclair C5.


WEALTHY Chinese people have decided that if they peel a donkey, throw away the innards and eat the skin after it’s been stewed, they won’t catch a cold this winter.

Already, 5million skins a year are being consumed. But now, the practice is so prevalent experts are warning half the world’s donkeys could end up in the pot.

It’s hard to know how this ridiculous practice can be abolished.

But maybe something could be done if we in the West decide the cure for a common cold is eating the skin of a Chinese person who’s had boiled donkey for breakfast.

The missing pizz

PRINCE Andrew claimed this week he couldn’t possibly have been in central London’s Tramp nightclub because earlier that evening he’d been at a children’s party at Pizza Express in Woking, Surrey.

Right. So let’s say that because it was a kid’s party, it ended at 8pm. Tramp shuts at 5am. So that’s NINE HOURS to cover 31.2 miles. Which would mean traveling at around 3mph. In other words, he could have made it even if he’d crawled on his hands and knees. And if he had, I’m sure someone would have noticed.

Prince Andrew Epstein interview: Bizarre bar claims, ‘sweat-gate’ and THAT photo – the Duke’s claims that don’t add up

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