Great Britain

Public reminded not to leave goths in hot cars

IF you got bad estimated A-level grades because house prices are low in your postcode or whatever, you’re going through clearing. But first heed the words of these alumni.

Tom Booker, Royal Holloway University of London

It’s not really in London. They keep that f**king quiet. It’s miles out, but the accommodation still costs a bomb, and real London students won’t hang out with you. They laugh at you when you have to leave clubs to get the night bus.

Donna Sheridan, University of Lancaster

You might be fooled by the prospectus boasting about how close it is to the Lancashire coast and the Lake District. They don’t mention the whole university’s a brutalist concrete structure resembling a multistorey car park with dodgy drainage. Dreaming spires it ain’t. 

Steve Malley, University of Leeds

If posh twats can’t get into Oxbridge, Durham, St Andrews or Exeter, they come here and ruin everything with their braying voices. None of them will talk to you. All I learned was the importance of class war. 

Jordan Gardner, University of Nottingham

We’re not students, we’re prey. Nottingham’s nice but our role is to get mugged and burgled for three years straight. One burglar woke me up to complain that I hadn’t got anything worth nicking. I explained I’d been burgled three times already that term and he called me a wanker. 

Hannah Tomlinson, De Montfort University

Nobody wants to come here. That’s the truth of it. We’re the second best university in Leicester. Even students at Loughborough look down on us. With De Montfort on your CV a life of mediocrity is your destiny. And I’m a massive optimist.

Lucy Parry, The Online University of Achievement

Honestly I’m not even sure this is a university. They take your money but there’s no campus, no lectures, no seminars and no coursework. A third year says they call just before graduation and you can choose a degree in any subject you want. It’s f**king great. 

James Bates, University of Hull

If you’re considering Hull then you haven’t got any other options. Everywhere else has turned you down and it’s your only hope. The bitter, contempt-filled racist Philip Larkin used to be our librarian though. Now I think about it, that’s probably not a selling point.

Football news:

Conte on 4:3 with Fiorentina: impressed with Inter's attack. We didn't have enough balance, we paid for it
Zidane about 3:2 with Betis: real can get better and will. A difficult game, but we believed in winning until the end
Dest said goodbye to the Ajax players and will fly to Barcelona today (Gerard Romero)
Vidal made his debut for Inter in the match against Fiorentina
Barcelona will only consider Zinchenko if Firpo leaves
The referee after VAR for a foul on Jovic removed defender Betis Emerson
Lampard replaced Kepu, but got 0-3 from West Brom in the first half. Then Chelsea got together and gave a comeback of the weekend: only the pupils scored