WHEN this Covid-19 business is all over there will be a public inquiry full of showboating and finger-pointing.
Seated on important-looking leather chairs, a panel of buffoons and buffoonesses will get the chance to appear on live TV as they question Boris Johnson, Matt Hancock and all of the scientists about how the pandemic was handled.
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And using the cloud-busting power of hindsight, they will demand to know why the giant Nightingale hospitals were built at vast expense then never used and why the lockdown wasn’t introduced sooner and why the “stay at home” message suddenly changed.
Doubtless, they will then introduce us to a sobbing family whose 94-year-old granny croaked while in a care home and Boris will be told, in no uncertain terms, that he, personally, was responsible.
“I put it to you, Mr Johnson, that you are a murderer.”
And I guarantee that when it’s all over, we will get a million banner headlines claiming that the whole Government was a shower of lying, incompetent fools who never knew what they were doing.
That may be so. But here’s the thing. A public inquiry shouldn’t waste its time working out who’s to blame. Because we already know that. It was the Chinese halfwit who kept his raw pork chops in a shed full of bats.
No, the whole point of a public inquiry is to make sure that when the next pandemic comes along, we are better prepared to deal with it.
And we don’t need a panel of buffoons and buffoonesses to work that out, because we already know.
We look at what the Germans did. And do that.
I SPOKE to a builder this week about what happened the day the construction industry went back to work.
He was putting up a large country house where the marble was coming from Italy, the plumbing from Poland, the kitchen from France, the windows from Germany and the workforce from Romania. It was a pan-European effort.
On the first day back, he turned up to find that nothing had arrived.
Not a single thing. Except, bang on the dot of 8am, a truck pulled on to the site, with the windows from Germany.
Laptop, if you're listening...
FOR the past few weeks I’ve had a minor ear infection. I’ve spoken about it often. And being a man, moaned about it even more.
I’ve even bought drops from the chemist, and then moaned about how they weren’t working.
And now, weirdly, every time I go online I’m faced with an endless barrage of revolting adverts and photographs showing me how to get wax out of a clogged lughole.
Much the same thing happened recently when I googled shipping containers and how they could be converted into garden offices.
For the next month I got bombarded with shots of big metal boxes. Is my laptop listening to what I say? I can only presume it is.
Well that’s fine. If it knows what subjects are diverting me at any given moment, I’d like to express an interest this morning in what Abbey Clancy would look like in a swimsuit, on a yacht.
Better, I should imagine, than someone pulling gunk out of their ear while sitting in a shipping container.
Dom has a badger moment
DOMINIC Cummings was doing very well with his garden-based chat this week.
His shirt was tucked in, he wasn’t rude or dismissive – and when he explained why he’d taken his wife and young son to Durham, it made perfect sense to me.
He was winning. But then came the question about why he’d subsequently gone to Barnard Castle and enjoyed a walk in the woods.
Now. The correct answer would have been. “Yup. My bad. The kid was going stir-crazy in the house. Stupid I know, given that I helped write the stay-at-home rules but there you go. We all make mistakes. Soz.”
I’d have bought that and we could have moved on.
But instead he came up with a ridiculous story about going for a drive to test his eyesight and, all of a sudden, the man became a laughing stock.
This was right up there with Ron Davies MP, who said he’d been on Clapham Common late at night because he was, er, looking at badgers.
So now the Left is howling for Dominic’s blood and throwing eggs at his car and camping outside his house with their beards and their vegetarian shoes.
Finally, they’ve got the architect of Brexit and they’re going to bring him down.
Hmmm. So where were they when Alastair Campbell – another unelected government official – sexed up the document about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction?
That’s what we need to remember. He took us to war. Whereas all Dominic did was take his kid for a walk.
Oh, and to be clear. I voted Remain.
Space X return a Musk-see
APOLLO 13 laid to rest any notion that space travel is particularly difficult.
Because those three guys were up there in a leaking ship that had been smashed by an explosion, with less computing power than you’ve got in your iPhone and less electrical power than it takes to run a toaster.
When they made it back to Earth safely, it proved you could probably go to the moon in a cement mixer.
That being said, I am looking forward to the rescheduled launch of Elon Musk’s Space X mission.
Not because it’s the first manned craft to take off from American soil for nine years, but because they’re going to use a rocket to get the astronauts into space.
Then bring it back to earth and land it vertically on a ship, so it can be used again.
If they can pull that one off, I will be VERY impressed.
I've got scruples
BOSSES at Thames Water are seeking a new home for a giant iron screw that’s twice the height of a giraffe and heavier than a hippopotamus.
I was quite interested in using it as a garden ornament until I learned that the 36ft piece of ironmongery has been used for 30 years to deal with human effluent at a sewage plant in Hampshire.
WE are coming to the end of the annual National Camping And Caravanning Week.
Which this year, because of Covid-19, was rebranded as the National Camping And Caravan Stay Home Week.
Members were invited to spend the night at home or in their tents or caravans, and to then donate to the NHS the money they’d saved by not travelling. What a great idea, and let’s hope it was such a massive success that organisers decided to keep it going.
Not just for one week of the year. But for ever.
RISHI SUNAKI’ll go on helping self-employed as we come through the other side of crisis
ROD LIDDLEEmily Maitlis, stop acting like a student with an 'I-Heart Jeremy Corbyn' badge
DAN WOOTTONIf Ireland can have a gay PM, surely it's time for top footie stars to come out
THE SUN SAYSLet’s not let freedom go to our heads when we are allowed to meet relatives
THE SUN SAYSPM must end lockdown fast and ram home the dire effects of refusing to do so
TREVOR KAVANAGHCummings has emerged triumphant — leaving his enemies & critics floundering
Johnny bat can bugger off
PLANS for a new nuclear power station on the coast of Suffolk have now been submitted.
On the upside, the Chinese-designed reactor will provide clean, carbon-free and almost silent power for six million homes.
On the downside, half a dozen barbastelle bats could lose their houses. Hmmm. Ordinarily a tricky decision to make – but given that Johnny bat has killed hundreds of thousands of people in the past few weeks, and pretty much bankrupted the world, I find myself siding with those who say good riddance to the little bugger and let’s bring in the bulldozers as soon as possible.
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