Welcome to the latest instalment of my column – where I delve into the nation’s relationship problems from my ever-growing postbag of your letters.
I was amazed at how many of you want advice after I shared the ups and downs of my own love life here. And while I don’t have an official certificate that qualifies me to dish out words of wisdom, I am happy to try and help. I speak from the heart as a woman who’s seen it all – the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright weird!
So here we go. I only picked one letter this week as there were so many on this topic that I felt it would be the most helpful to all the people who wrote in about it.
If I haven’t got to your letter yet, please keep them coming and I will try to get to them in future weeks....
Tracey from Kent wrote:
I’m 29 and have no children but would really like to be a mum. I’ve been going out with this guy for two years and I really love him. He’s lovely, he wants us to get a house together and have children and he couldn’t do enough for me. He’s solid, dependable and reliable – but in truth, I’ve always gone out with bad boys before him.
While he’s clean cut, neat and presentable, my real taste is in men with tattoos, long hair and generally those who end up being a waste of space but are brilliant in the bedroom. In the two years we’ve been together, I’ve never had an orgasm and recently I cheated on him with two exes. They were brief, one-night encounters and the sex was, as always, mind-blowing.
So my question is, what do I do? Do I settle for this vanilla lifestyle that’s going to be safe and secure or do I go back to my old ways of having bad men that are unreliable but are brilliant between the sheets?
Your letter was one of hundreds that were of a very similar theme, so please don’t think that you are alone in this dilemma. I feel con dent enough to give you an honest answer because I’ve found myself where you are now.
I also love a bad boy and, like you, have discovered that the better they are in the boudoir, the worse they are at committing to a relationship. If there’s a good chance of them breaking your bed, there’s a good chance of them breaking your heart.
After many relationships like that, I myself also opted for the safe zone. The nice guy, the one that you knew would be solid and give you all the things that you’re saying that you want. He offered me marriage and children (which at the time I wanted), and I truly can say that I did love him. But I was never able to fall in lust with him – and that’s what you really need, especially in the early days.
If it isn’t there at the start, it certainly isn’t going to be there at the end – and no kids or house can hold a relationship together without that spark.
I also, like you, during that whole period never had an orgasm with him. There came a time when I had to choose – stick with Mr Dependable or go for what I really wanted, but knowing those exciting carpet burns are often followed by horrible heartbreak.
All this time later (I’m 15 years older than you), I’ve ended up not married and with no children – but very happy in my personal life.
If sex is really important to you, but so is family life, you’re going to have to be cruel to be kind and end this relationship with him. Then get yourself back out into the dating scene, albeit the bad boy territory, and try and find yourself the best of the worst.
Otherwise, if you carry on as you are, you’ll get married and end up divorced or cheating or both. Why? Because if you don’t go for a type that rocks your boat, eventually that boat you got into is going to sink.
Let me know how you get on, and be kind to him. It’s always awful having your heart broken – but sometimes it is the only way. You might as well paddle away now rather than take the risk of drowning in dullness because 29 is far too young to settle. I really hope you find what you’re looking for.
Melanie's novel Ruthless Women is out now.