Great Britain

‘Hooray, sport is back soon!’ say the worst kind of people

Fans of football, cricket, and all the other nonsense have confirmed that they are counting the days until the distraction that gives the illusion of meaning to their empty lives returns.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said their research found that the most despicable, unlikeable people in society truly believe that finding out if Leeds get promoted is something the nation needs right now.

Brubaker continued: “The correlation between speculating about whether county cricket will be ‘the same’ and being completely the worst is undeniable.

“We also found a direct link between being an arsehole and welling up at the Sky sports advert about sport returning in June.

“The one type of person the study made an exception for is sons in strained relationships with their fathers desperate for something to talk about. It’s been tough for them, branching out into discussion about politics, hobbies, and worst of all, women.

“But otherwise if you’re dreaming about being in a pub, watching a telly, your emotional state entirely dependent on a ball going in or through something, you fall somewhere on the dickhead spectrum.”

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