Great Britain

Frodo abandons quest to reach Covid testing centre

IF you’re looking to lose a few friends then why not have a child or two? Try these foolproof techniques for pissing off friends and strangers.

Cancel plans at the last minute

Chances are that when you have ‘plans’ one of the kids will develop a raging temperature or puke all over you on the way out. Even if they aren’t sick you’ll say they are if you just can’t be arsed to go out.   

Take three days to reply to a text  

Every text you send now begins with ‘so sorry I thought I’d replied’ and a mention of some tedious kid-related distraction, eg. taking the hamster to the vet. Do this enough times and people will eventually stop bothering to text you at all.  

Hold up traffic 

Fail to notice the lights have turned green because you are arguing with a child about why they couldn’t have gone to the f**king toilet before you left the house. 

Wish your young kids happy birthday on Facebook 

Post long, gushy birthday messages to your three-year-old which he’ll never see because he is definitely not on Facebook. Follow this up with annual back-to-school photos that no one gives a shit about. 

Make your favourite topic of conversation how tired you are 

Whenever anyone asks how you are, use this as an opportunity to tell them how tired you are. No one in the history of humanity has ever given two shits about how tired someone else is, but do it anyway. Add plenty of yawns for extra effect.

Football news:

Milner on 1-0 with Ajax: it was important for Liverpool to show a good game after a week of UPS and downs
Lukaku has 4+2 in the last 3 games in the Champions League. He participated in all 6 Inter goals
Miranchuk on the draw with Salzburg: Two goals on the road is a very good indicator
Hector Herrera on 0:4 with Bayern: We played very well with the best team in the world. Don't write off us
Antonio Conte: Borussia are well prepared, they have a lot of potential. Inter could have won
Guardiola on 3:1 with Porto: a Good start. In the Champions League, there are 5 substitutions, the players who came out showed themselves well
Flick about Mueller: he's a continuation of the coach's hand on the field. Thomas manages the team, drives it forward