Great Britain

Five wake-up hacks to get your day off to the worst possible start

HATE mornings? Want to extend that feeling to the rest of the day? These tried-and-tested methods will ruin the whole week: 

Alarm out of reach

Too easy on the snooze button? Pop your alarm on the far side of the room and you’ll wake up wanting to travel back in time and murder your past self. There’s nothing like stubbing your toe stumbling across a dark bedroom and knocking your still-ringing phone down the back of a chest of drawers to f**k everything up.

Plan a run

Planning to go for a run ensures you start your day guilty as shit as you decide the weather’s a bit iffy and linger over a third bowl of Coco Pops. So you set your alarm even earlier the next day, determined to put things right, and don’t go then either, and the cycle of self-hatred rolls on and on.

Cold shower

Many of the world’s masochistic Nordic peoples swear by cold showers to get the blood pumping. You’ll scream higher than a fox getting laid and spend the day with unrinsed shampoo in your hair because you could not stay under a second longer.


Meditating is a game of chicken with sleep at any time, and dangerous fresh out of bed. If you’re still in bed, repeating your mantra lying down with the curtains closed, you’ll surface to find you’ve missed your train, all your morning meetings, two lunch dates and picking up the kids from school.

Five coffees

Morning coffee not providing results? Why not keep topping up? One at home, one on the walk to the train, one on the train, one out the other end, one on arrival at work. You’ll have started three fights before you’ve even opened your inbox.

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