Great Britain

Five shite items from your wardrobe a Gen Z teen would buy as ‘vintage’

24th September 2021

A MAN who is not an irredeemably awful arsehole is being praised as a ‘woke’ progressive.

Tom Booker meets the basic standards of decency by not pissing all over the toilet seat, farting in public or saying ‘banter’ unironically, yet is considered enlightened in comparison to other men.

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Ugh, Tom’s so bloody woke. He doesn’t cheat on his wife and isn’t even angry that she earns more than him. Sorry we can’t all be social justice kings like you and Gary Lineker. 

“And he really rubs it in by taking out the recycling every week, which is virtue signalling, and I’ve never heard him crack racist or homophobic jokes. Not even when he’s tired or drunk or a bit stressed.”

Booker’s wife Helen added: “He cares about social issues, gives to charity, and does an adequate job washing up. It’s so grating and performative. He even lets me come first when we shag. Like okay, we get it, you’re better than us.”

Booker himself said: “I tried to tell everyone that I’m borderline acceptable and not the second coming of Owen Jones, but they just sneered at my humblebrag. Considering punching a nun to get them off my case.”

24th September 2021

TEENS will wear any old shit if you say it’s vintage. Here are five items of clothing you can flog to the idiot young:

A ragged stag-do T-shirt

Personalised T-shirts from your mate Ian’s stag do are limited edition and hideous, meaning they fetch a premium on the vintage market. The faded picture of a Fred Flintstone getting shitfaced means you can charge extra for its ironic appeal. Getting rid of it will also help Ian move on from the divorce.

A hideous, shapeless jumper

Who cares if your gran knitted it for you; you were mercilessly bullied for wearing this oversized woollen atrocity, and rightly so. Knowing Gen Z though it’ll be picked up by an influencer and become this autumn’s must-have garment. You’ll buy a replica for hundreds of pounds and it will still look shit on you.

A bridesmaid dress

Zoomers will say this mid-00s aquamarine and chiffon disaster looks so retro, which can’t be right because you picked it up fairly recently and haven’t got the wear out of it yet. After working out that you only wore it once 15 years ago, you’ll feel old as f**k and need to lie down in a darkened room like the crone you are.

Your bad jeans

So ill-fitting that they dig into your stomach while simultaneously flashing your arse crack, but you were too scared to return them and you’ve hung onto them for decades. For your final punishment, they will look oversized on whichever fetus gives you a tenner on Depop for them.

Anything with a brand on it

It doesn’t matter if it’s a knock-off Adidas top from a TK Maxx clearance bin, Gen Z teens will be fooled into thinking it’s a timeless classic for no other reason than the logo. Just like you were when you excitedly hurried to the counter with it before finding out it’s yet another brand that’s been turned to shit by Mike Ashley.

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