Dear Coleen

My personal life is a mess. I split up with my husband a few months ago after the stress of two failed IVFs, plus he was having a thing with a colleague, even though he says they never actually slept together and it was just friendship.

Since the break up, I’ve been seeing a mutual friend of ours – we all went to university together and I’d had a short fling with him back in the day.

Things were going well between me and this other guy, but I had a one-night stand with my husband a couple of months ago and now I’m pregnant. We met to sort some stuff out to do with the separation and ended up having break-up sex. I don’t think either of us expected it or had any intentions of starting things up again.

He knows about the baby now and wants us to get back together and I’m tempted, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.

The guy I’ve been seeing has always had a thing for me and I know he’ll be devastated I’ve messed him about. I never imagined I’d get pregnant in a million years.

Coleen says

I’d take some time out to really think about what you want before making any major decisions about jumping back into your marriage. If there were serious issues beyond the stress of IVF, then a baby is not going to miraculously make everything OK.

You need to work out what went wrong to split you up and discuss whether you can deal with those issues going forward.

The fact is, there will always be challenges in life – whether it’s infertility or something else – and you have to be able to ride the storms together.

I think it would be good to spend some time on your own and focus on yourself and your baby. You don’t need to complicate things any more at the moment.

There’s every chance that you’d get back together with your husband and the baby would come along and create a more stressful situation because you’ll be tired and trying to adjust to becoming parents.

So I think you have to be cautious and honest with yourself and your husband – just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean all the issues you had before are going to disappear.

But keep a dialogue going and know that you don’t have to be together because of the baby – he can still be a great dad and you can co-parent very successfully.

There’s no rush to make a decision, so don’t put that kind of pressure
on yourself.