Great Britain

Couple on first date undeterred by glum married couples all around them

FROM The Sixth Sense to The Usual Suspects, films have twist endings you don’t want spoiled. And then there are these deathly predictable movies:

The Passion of the Christ

The story of an ancient Middle-Eastern man being tortured to death on cruciform wood is quite well known. If anyone screams ‘What? Jesus H. Christ was crucified!?’ in shock as this film reaches its predictable climax, they are beyond salvation.

Titanic

If you’re a human being living in the 21st century you’ve heard of the Titanic. Mainly because the unsinkable liner’s maiden voyage ended on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. Anyone who doesn’t know the connection between the Titanic and f**king big icebergs has bigger issues than having a film spoiled.

Downfall

This film, documenting Hitler’s final days in his Berlin bunker, shouldn’t contain any surprises for anyone. If somebody accuses you of dropping a spoiler by mentioning that Adolf Hitler killed himself and that Germany lost the war, what else have they missed? Do they even know Dirty Den was the father of Michelle’s baby?

First Man

A biopic of Neil Armstrong, a man exclusively known for being the first man to walk on the moon. Unsurprisingly, the film’s dramatic climax focuses on his famous lunar stroll. What else would it end with, Neil Armstrong passing his driving test? Doing some hoovering? Calling Buzz Aldrin to reminisce?

Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln, a man known for: abolishing slavery in the United States; wearing implausibly tall hats, and being shot dead in a theatre. Despite being only the second worst thing that can happen to you in a theatre – after having to actually sit through a play – only a weapons-grade lunatic should be unaware. It would come as a surprise to Laurence Fox.

Football news:

Nothing special was expected from the Arsenal and Tottenham derbies, but the fire came out. However, Emirates has never been so noisy
Nuno about 1:3 with Arsenal: Not our day. I take responsibility, the decisions did not meet the game plan
Mourinho is the first Roma coach to lose his debut derby, after Luis Enrique in 2011
Kane has 0 goals in the first 5 matches of the Premier League season. This is his worst start since 2015
Barca coach Schroider: We lacked the qualities of Fati. We will have a very powerful squad when everyone returns
Barcelona Interrupted a series of 3 matches without a win
Saka has 20 assists for Arsenal since the start of last season. This is the best result in the club